I used to think that I was pretty positive, optimistic, even happy? And I have always known that something was wrong.

I used to think I was reasonably intelligent or even smart? The hardest thing has been to take an honest look at the mess and most of the time it is too painful.

I remember being excited to go away to a four-year college and thinking that I would make new friends. I was walking across campus and there were people all around me, and I was all alone. Invisible, missing something, not enough and as I approach the end of my life, has anything ever really changed?

Much of the time I feel like I just want to disappear and not deal with the constant stress any longer. About 10 years ago, the doctor said, do you want to live to see age 60?

It was a bit of a shock to me. My father died of a stroke at age 68. The doctor informed me that I was lucky and missed a bullet and that I would need to dramatically change my lifestyle if I was to make it.

When I did the Master Key Experience class last year, it was tough on me. I was not sure if I was going to make it to the end. I had just come out of some serious health issues and I felt conflicted about my level of stress and my ability to cope with my need to change my programming.

Much of the time I was miserable, depressed, my business in decline, not sure if I would have something work out to pay my next PIF (pay-if-forward contribution).

I felt that at least I had a place to live, some stability there. I lost that in May. Got rid of everything I could and put remaining things in storage. I have pretty much nothing left.

And that has been the plan, sort of. I have not had a car for over two years. I am going to leave the USA. IF … I can just make it to 65 and a half and start collecting my Social Security.

The amount of shame & embarrassment I feel, I can not fully express. I just want to avoid people, I want to avoid everything and everyone. The only words I can think of are … let me die in peace.

And I am so conflicted. Because I want to live, not die. And anytime I do work like this, to grow and change, my ego? My unconscious? Whatever you want to call it feels threatened and that I am planning to kill it?

And the response is … I will kill you first. So I get sick, I get scared, I am all alone. And I am breaking down and losing it. There have been many times in my life that I was depressed and suicidal and felt like I was not going to make it.

Too much drama, no one wants to know, everyone has their own problems. So I just shut down and die a little more inside each day. I suspect that I have had difficulty ever making any of this stuff to ever work for me, because it just gets to feeling so bad.

I am having a shame and anxiety attack just talking about this. You can’t tell, this is to be our secret. It seems like I have been in some kind of therapy to deal with this my entire life. And it is still here.

And I have no one left to talk to. Maybe I should start going back to 12 step meetings? At least once a week I got to express some of this. I am feeling very unwell and scared and alone, like always.

Part of why it has been so hard to write any blog or write anything anywhere in the group. I am not well.

Best thing to do is just go to sleep if I can and start again in the morning. I feel, I am …
So Conflicted.