I really do not want to have to write this blog each week. It is painful. I am not sure if I have ever been honest with myself? And I think that I have just fooled myself to stay alive & survive? It has been hard to write any kind of blog when I am supposed to write this glowing testimonial about how wonderful & amazing everything is. That is what I have done most of my life.
Even when it was Not true. Because after all, the message is, be positive & think positive & only state the positive. In the meantime my life has been a lie. And others see it & just shake their head. Others have been much less kind.
Can & does MKE work? Of course it does. Can it work for me? Well, what I am experiencing is that it has been difficult for me to create or manifest a new reality when my present reality is so in my face that I feel scared & anxious most of the time.
And I have spent a lot of years & money on therapy & courses to even have any idea about what I am really feeling? Because all of my life it has not been ok to feel. Or at least, do not be stupid even to tell anyone EVER … that you are doing anything less than wonderful.
Hence it has been extremely difficult for me to keep a weekly obligation to blog, when I know what the RIGHT ANSWER IS: yet it conflicts with my need to tell the truth. I can read GS & do the lessons & what I see is that when I just force myself to JUST DO IT, and the entire time I am not feeling happy or positive or enthusiastic or any of what I am supposed to feel, then of course it is “not going to work” because “I am doing to wrong” and I have always done it wrong & my life reflects this.
Most of the time on a good day I am scared. I am grateful when the miracle occurs & just enough money comes in to be able to get a place to sleep. For Thanksgiving I was grateful to be able to get rice & beans. About the only emotion I can summon up is I am grateful.
I have multiple health issues going on due to the constant high stress & yes, during my 15 minute sit, I guess I am able to relax, and sometimes I sit there, thinking about the various pain in my body. Many days I just want to give up. I am depressed, alone & this has been my life.
I have brief moments where I think I am happy, because I am supposed to be happy and most of the time this is away from people in nature. So yes, I am able to do the law of substitution briefly and focus on something else.
At times I feel that maybe this has been part of my problem? Avoiding and staying numb? I realize that maybe the reason I mostly feel in overwhelm all of the time is not because anything we are asked to do is difficult.
What is overwhelming are all of these feelings of shame & inadequacy because this should not be so difficult or hard. Yet many days it is. And some deals pushing & forcing myself to do what I must do feels exhausting.
And I guess the biggest thing is that most of the time this is not feeling good or fun. It feels like my body & subby & everything is fighting me each step of the way. This could be why people quit. I can not quit, that is not an option, so I keep failing forward.
Good for you, Mark! You got another blog done! And I see some positive bits poking through the cement, awesome! Like the gratitude. Even for small things, as that will lead to more to be grateful for. Keep failing forward, until, as Mike says in his comment, you are Standing Tall!
I love this comment Mike. It is so true, move incrementally from failing forward to standing tall!
Mark, how incredible you are for sharing your truth. I’ve been asking myself lately, “If, like is says in Isaiah 26:12, “God exists in all things”…then where is God in evil and sadness?” I’m not sure I have the answer, and I am appreciating your journey of staying in curiosity…and failing forward. Thank you for reminding me that staying in the questions…means an exciting step closer to the answers.
You did it! you wrote the blog, now you can celebrate and smile at yourself. It’s ok to feel how you feel. It’s ok to let others know how you feel too. This good feeling form completing this task is setting in motion change.. an addiction to the positive behavior. But it doesn’t hapen over night. We have to keep at it until it becomes a habit and as it does, we being to enjoy it more and more. Don’t give up! You can be what you will to be!
Thank you for being brave and sharing your honest feelings and what you are currently experiencing. I feel inadequate to give you words of encouragement, but please give yourself credit that you are still here and doing the work after 9 weeks. Stay strong!
Mark, thank you for sharing your story. Being aware and able to verbalize what is going on in your life is a start. Keep chipping away at your old blueprint. You are in WEEK NINE!!! From what we have been told – many don’t make it this far. Pretty soon your “falling forward” will turn into you “leaning forward” and after that you will be standing tall! Don’t quit – you are right – it’s not an option!
Thank you for sharing this very vulnerable post. You touched my heart you are so brave to be so real with us. Blessings in this process, continue to trust the process.