As I begin again, and begin again, and begin again, I have the positive thought. Well at least I am becoming much more aware. I used to think that I was mostly a positive thinker? I guess I had no idea? And during my sit in just 15 minutes, I feel like I have caught myself & started over about ten times?

Then I observe that I want to compare myself with others, and think oops, have to start over again at the beginning. I have yet to get past a full day. This feels impossible for me, I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself. As I do the readings and exercises and our assignments, I observe myself thinking, I am doing this wrong.

Where I am supposed to feel happy, excited, and enthusiasm. I am feeding depressed & sad & hopeless & I guess beating myself up. This feels like all I have ever known?

I observe the shapes & colors & I see them everywhere now & then I have tears & feel like I have so much to let out, will it ever end? I am so conflicted that I am supposed to be honest & authentic & yet, I am supposed to replace these feelings with good feelings, and I feel like a fake & a phony & all of my life I have been hiding because I am so embarrassed.

How can I possibly make this work? My experience has been that whenever I start doing things like this to improve and get better, the opposite happens, everything goes to heck & I lose clients, I lose money, I am stressed out all of the time, I can barely function, I had someone steal my ipad today? That never happened before, ever!

Why does everything just get worse & worse when I am working so hard to get better. My body is in pain, I am not sleeping as well & I feel under stress all of the time. The last thing I want to do is blog about it. Everyone else is reporting all of these positive things, and I feel like I have to do what I have always done, just smile & lie & say everything is wonderful.

All I know is I can not quit, and I am just feeling bad. How am I supposed to feel good when I am feeling bad. Maybe just go out in nature, that makes me feel good fit a little while.

I just feel like my unconscious mind is some kind of torture chamber. The voice in my head is constantly yelling at me, you can’t do anything right! The voice sounds a lot like my father, and he has been dead for over 30 years?

Believe it or not this is actually progress, in the past, I never could have shared any of this. I am feeling like I just need to read everyone else’s positive blog & copy what they are doing & saying or ELSE, more punishment.

I guess I need to keep working on forgiving myself? And immediately the voices in my head are saying, “That is not going to work!” And I just push myself to do this, because I have to do this. One of the reasons I have so much resistance to doing any writing at all. I am praying for strength.