I am humbled by my experience in MKE-MMA. I admit that I have not given 100%; that I could have tried harder; that I succumbed to self pity, laziness, and have fallen into the pool of victimhood. It is an old pattern; a pathetic tired blueprint; and a poor attempt to get attention.
I am reminded of the meme of an old person laying on the floor unable to get up only that person is me and I’m yelling in a pitiful voice, “Help me, my subby’s fallen and I can’t get up.”
Yes, I was buried last week with work; had to drive 1800 miles in two days; was exhausted from the road and the movie poster assignment threw me for a loop.
I got through it; didn’t do it perfectly but it is done. I considered giving up and trying out next year for the team. I am leaving for India next week for two months. I don’t have access to a printer there; conditions are third world and more primitive; and in despair I wondered if I would fall victim to the pattern of defeat of quiet desperation that has plagued my life in the past.
I expressed this to my guide, Suzanne, and she masterminded with the invincible Nancy O. and they came up with a solution. There was a ray of hope. My faith was restored. I almost wept at the support I received from these two angels.
My entire life has been that of a loner. I wasn’t a joiner, a men’s groupie, a guy who asked for help. I always worked alone and gutted it out myself. I avoided making friends and building relationships, even with family. I was the black sheep, the outsider, the weird one.
I was a rugged individualist from Maine after all. I was an only child. My mother was an alcoholic who fell asleep smoking a cigarette and our living room couch became a funeral pyre. I was eight years old.
My childhood was spent in aloneness. It was a pattern that I thought suited me well. I suffered scorn, ridicule, and judgment from my peers. I was odd man out. It made me tough but also cynical. It was a facade only I thought it was real. It made me question everything and trust no one. I imagined it was the role of a hero but, in reality, I was a pathetic, sad, and lonely human being.
I’ve always known one thing – I didn’t want to die this way. I didn’t want to pass into the next world the equivalent of an emotionally and spiritually disabled and handicapped being. And, that was the trajectory I was on.
So, that is why MKE is a religious experience for me because I need, I must, master the mechanics of my mind. I don’t want to fail the test here on Earth. I refuse to remain ignorant of the incredible manifesting machine of the mind and what makes it tick.
I don’t want to be a contrarian anymore. I’m tired of being the smart ass guy who’s figured out all of the conspiracy bullshit this world is based on. I see the matrix of illusion, and like Mark J, I don’t have the stomach for engaging in it anymore. It’s lost its appeal. The dog and pony show no longer grabs me.
So, what’s real? Whatever you think is real. As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. The only thing that is real is our mind and if we don’t have control of our mind then we are a rudderless ship drifting in an infinite sea of chaos.
Even worse is having a mind that is running false programs that bear no resemblance to truth. More and more this world looks like a pixelated virtual reality construction. I want to be anchored in truth, bliss and light. I want the veil to be lifted. I do not want to be separated from the infinite storehouse of divine ideas any more.
So, tonight I created the audio version of my DMP. It was fun. I selected Handel’s Messiah ‘Hallelujah’ and spoke my DMP goals. What a kick. It is truly inspirational listening to it. I am inspired and hoping one day I can say with conviction “I am a happy and joyful being!” All love to you,
Ben
Great blog. Thank you for sharing. Cheering you on!
Wow, what a great Blog! Sounds like you have made it to a “happy and joyful being” . Honored to meet you Ben!
Love you two so much. Family. Keep shining your lights on our paths so that we don’t stumble and can get to the goal. May the good karma come back to you both 100 fold!
Love you two so much. Family. Keep shining your lights on our paths so that we don’t stumble and can get to the goal. May the good karma come back to you both 100 fold!
What a great and personal blog Ben. Thank you so much for sharing. With MKE you are never alone and help is just a message away. Very glad we could move you forward while you are away. Enjoy your time there and please share when you are back.
Thanks for your honesty, Ben. That takes a lot of courage. Enjoy your time in India – you’ve got this! Can’t wait to hear your insights from your time there mixed with what you’re experiencing here in The MKE.