I am just being transparent. And I am feeling very raw. This is painful to admit. One of the realizations I am having in my second time going through MKE is just how much my life has been run by fear, panic attacks, depression & anxiety. (I have had several close calls with suicide in my “past life” and fortunately, that is no longer an option. I have done some things to handle that no matter what)

And the impact of this constant anxiety on my ability to even function makes me want to break down & cry. It reminds me of when a dog can sense your fear & barks or growls & it is only a warning vs a real threat.

I used to bite my fingernails to the quick as part of this anxiety & even though I have studied & practiced meditation for several decades, there is something about this course & my do it now & I always keep my promises that has my body in constant pain & anxiety & some days hard to relax or even sleep & I am exhausted much of of the time.

The 6 month MKE last year was really hard for me, because I struggled with asking for help & most of the time I felt shame & embarrassed & stupid at my difficulty & inability to do simple things consistently. I suspect that this may be part of the reason so many people drop out or quit.

One of the rules drilled into my programming is never quit no matter what, suck it up & push through the pain. Persist!

Last year the pain never stopped. I have never had to face my shortcomings as much as last year & feeling like a failure in every area of my life. I used to always say, at least I have my health & God & at this point my health is not what it once was.

The relentless stress has been taking its toll on me. What comes to mind is something like, When going through hell or the valley of death, do not stop! Keep going! So that is what I am doing!

I understand that all MKE is doing, along with the time in the sit, is exposing those things within me that have been too painful to look at or deal with much of my life, no matter how many courses or therapy or 12 steps or whatever, the one thing that I have never dealt with are my own inner demons.

As I take a deep breath & choose to relax as best I can, the thought comes to my mind. I need a massage! As much as I have resisted blogging & posting because I can only share positive things or get criticized for “doing it wrong” … this is pretty much all I have heard my entire life, along with the physical & verbal abuse.

Those first 7 years of programming can be difficult to just let go & shake. My identity of being wounded & survival is there so much that it constantly feels like I am about to die giving it up.

My EGO … Edging God Out. Back to more prayer & moving my feet to keep going! Thank you for making this available & at this moment I am feeling a mixture of gratitude & the need to grieve all of my life mistakes. And look forward to the new me & new life I am creating. At this point, I would be grateful to just be able to relax & have some peace.